It has been exactly a month since I last wrote and I felt that it was about time that I posted again.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of exercise, cheap vodka, artificial sunlight and fromage frais and I don't know quite how I feel about it.  I've had some amazing times with some wonderful people, but I can't help to think that it's time to calm myself down for a while and aim for a little more than just looking like a Saturday and behaving like a Lohan.

I've used the phrase "crisis of character" a lot in the past couple of weeks (I'm not sure if I made it up, but it seems fitting) because I don't think I like myself anymore.  I know, I know it just sounds so thoroughly self-involved and melodramatic - quelle surprise - but it's just so difficult to be alive when you're unsure if you're a nice person or not!  I haven't made much of a plan to remedy the situation yet because I'm relying on winning the Lottery in the next month or so and using my winnings to do some good in the world.

The money would come in pretty handy for myself too - I won't manage to be totally selfless instantly!  There are just so many beautiful things that I have my eye on at the moment:

Black Eyelash Lace Trim Runner Shorts - £30, Topshop

Laurie bra, briefs, suspender and skirt - £540, Agent Provocateur

Leather Studded Rider - $845, UNIF

Hermès Vanille Galante - £140

Fake Chic crystal ring - £460, Yves Saint Laurent

"Hussy" teacup - $25, trixiedelicious @Etsy.com

Need to get back to watching Three in a Bed, scoffing at this thread on mumsnet.com and waiting patiently for my fortune.

♥

I've had a fairly relaxed week with birthday obligations quietening down slightly to around one per week and an overtime ban allowing me to work 5.5 hours less.  I enjoyed returning to my Friday night exercise/clean/tan routine, wearing a cute new pair of oyster coloured, snake-print shoes to work on Saturday and then seeing friends in the evening.  I had a lovely day with Cici today; we slept late then Facebook stalked in my bed before venturing out to Tinderbox for a coffee and a chat.  We came home and watched Beautiful Kate on Apple TV which I received for my birthday - I love that I can download a film so easily and not have to watch it on my tiny 13" laptop screen.

I first saw Beautiful Kate as part of the Contemporary World Cinema course at the GFT in July (when I just happened to be going through a phase where I was fascinated by incest...).  I love everything about that cinema and think it's absolutely gorgeous, I've seen some terrific things there but no matter how amazing what I see on the screen is, it can never live up to the stunning Art Deco interior.  I just think it's a lovely place to have so close by and I would miss places like it so much if I were to have to move back home.  It's kind of a last resort but I have been applying to colleges all over the country in the hopes of getting a place somewhere to build a portfolio to get to into a better course next year.  The course that it makes the most sense for me to do is at home but after living independently for 3 years, I just don't think I'd manage to go back to being treated like a child.

I love visiting home though and, work providing, may get a chance next weekend to return to celebrate my brother's 18th birthday and a yet another friend's 21st.  Hopefully the train ride will provide the time and environment which will allow me to actually read that book!

Nail update:

Deborah Lippmann Happy Birthday

Listening:  DOA (Death of Auto-tune) - Jay-Z, Children's Story - The Game, Rapture - Blondie
Watching:  Not as much TV as I'd have liked as my social life keeps interfering with my real life!  But I've watched The Godfather 1, 2 & 3 and Seasons 1-7 of Peep Show in the past week.  I also saw the Born This Way video and absolutely hated it; it's repulsive and only redeems itself when Gaga is in a bikini/dressed as a skeleton.
Reading:  Remember in this post from two weeks ago I mentioned that I'd started a book?  Well I haven't actually progressed with it at all, it's always in my bag but with my attention span I can't read unless I'm locked in my bedroom with no distractions!  I've become so unintelligent.
Wearing:  These lovely shoes that I got in the Russell & Bromley sale for £35, Models Own nail polish in Juicy Jules, these lipsticks, and my hair in a tousled side ponytail.
Wanting:  To break my weight-loss plateau and I'd like wooden flooring in my bedroom to replace my make-up stained carpet.
Eating:  Sugar snap peas, mini carrots and Reese's Pieces.
Buying:  Today I got my eyebrows done at the Benefit Brow Bar and got GOSH Velvet Touch Foundation Primer to try out.
Dreaming of:  Skimpy clothes, summertime and hopefully attending college in August.

I lack focus and drive in my life, but it's not through absence of ambition - if anything I am too ambitious.  I want to be the best at everything, I want to experience every career that I've ever expressed any degree of interest in and I don't want to waste my life doing something only to realise it was all wrong for me.  I can't stand the idea of having a mediocre life and not making something of myself.

The first thing I ever wanted to do was be a vet (which is now hilarious considering the mutual hatred between animals and I) and like everything else I become interested in, I was obsessed.  I would be allowed to stay up until 7:30PM on a Monday evening to watch Animal Hospital with all my toys lined up beside me.  I had a stuffed animal which was particularly creepy; you could make an injury appear by dabbing particular parts of its body with water and then bandage it up with velcro plasters.    Like most of my fixations though, this was fleeting and quickly replaced with many more dreams and all the necessary accessories and accoutrements that went alongside them.

Concert pianist, children's TV presenter, pop star, opera singer, foreign correspondent, doctor, lawyer, dentist, fashion designer...  The list could go on forever, there is almost nothing I can think of that I haven't decided was all I wanted to do at one point or another.  In recent years I have gone from studying to be a powerful business woman to working in a shoe shop - it's hardly the Cinderella story I had dreamed of.  I know I have the urge to do something creative and, ruling out the possibilities of hairdresser and make-up artist, I decided to go back to college and study fashion.  I'll hopefully get to university at some point and maybe I'll get a degree by the time I'm about forty!

If everything fails, I'll fall back on the idea of becoming Tom Ford's muse or specialising in providing blinged out nails to the stars.