I'd really like to concentrate on something I enjoy; although I don't mind working in the shop, it's not exactly what I had hoped and I think I'd like to work towards having some sort of a career in the fashion industry.  As I had mentioned in an earlier post, I thought my way in was to work my way up in retail but when doing slightly more research and exploring different options it seemed that I would have to have something else behind me.  I'm not sure exactly yet what sort of a route that I'm hoping to take or how I'm planning on doing things but I think that this is what I want.  For the first time in a long time I feel excited and optimistic about my life.

I've had my brother staying with me for the past couple of nights and it has been really fun, I haven't seen too much of him as I've been working a lot but it's just so nice to have someone close nearby.  We went to a gig with my friends at Mono last night and then for dinner with Cici tonight, he has an interview for university tomorrow and although I've enjoyed his company I kind of can't wait to get my own space back.

Tomorrow I'm going to work, I'll hopefully fit in a little time at the gym afterwards and then make an appearance at Kirsten's birthday party.  I should probably wash my hair at some point also.  I've bought a hair growth treatment from the Lee Stafford brand at Boots, I don't think this is for balding men and have  been assured by the packaging that it's for "hair that never grows past a certain length".

My shallow goals for the next wee while include:

• growing my hair at least 2 inches by june
• losing 14lbs, going to the gym 3 times a week
• moisturising everyday
• maintaining the faux glow I spend so long on each week
• whitening my teeth to Hollywood perfection
• ridding myself of all spots
• attempting to stay on the right side of blonde

I just want to be perfect, I think that's totally understandable.

Finally got to see Black Swan last night, it was so gorge:

 

I loved it and especially loved the costumes by Rodarte.  I couldn't find any photos online of my favourite outfit, when Natalie Portman fully transformed into the Black Swan, but it was beautiful with her arms changing into wings.  It was disappointing to hear about the Mulleavy sisters being cheated out of the credit for these amazing designs but hopefully they will get some recognition at the Oscars.

I went home this weekend and stayed with my family; I had a lovely time and it was so nice to eat well and be treated to lots of cups of tea.  I met with my beautiful friend Heather and her amazing baby girl and we spent the day wandering from one Starbucks to another and laughing at things in the shops.  We can spend hours and hours with each other and never run out of things to say.


On Saturday evening I went to my friend Tracy's 21st birthday party, I haven't been out in my hometown in a very long time.  I get really anxious and nervous of seeing anyone I used to know and have an irrational paranoia that everyone hates me and are constantly gossiping about me.  It's exceptionally self-centered of me to think this and I ended up having a lovely time, once again proving that worrying is worthless.


I had a wonderful dream last night in which a beautiful hairdresser bearing resemblance to Nicolo from X-Factor fell in love with me.  He gave me a free head of highlights in his waterside salon and caused controversy with my colleagues - what more could I want?!


Here is what I'll be wearing when we get married:

Lanvin Tiered silk-gazar dress - £2740

Alaïa Laser-cut calf hair platform pumps - £1,320

I'll accessorise with:

It'll be such a beautiful day and I'm counting on the good people at net-a-porter.com to donate all these things to me - if not I hope they can live with themselves for destroying a young girl's dream.  Expect your Smythson invitation in the post any day now.

Sadie 1922-2011
I love you.

I am so excited to have Mary Portas in my life again tonight in her new programme, Mary Portas: Secret Shopper.  I think everything about her is just so admirable; she commands respect and has an unmatchable passion and instinctive knowledge for what she does.

I remember listening to her "Desert Island Discs" Playlist on Radio 4 last year and learned about her difficult early life and how she built herself up into what she is today.  I found myself fixated on what she had done to forge such a career for herself, and despite being a two time university dropout managed to convince myself that I could do the same.  I decided to work my way up in the retail industry by changing to a full-time contract with my employer and making a real effort to learn everything I can.

One of the most important things I have learned in almost 5 years in retail is the importance of the customer; if you can't please your customer then you won't make any money.  So as hard as it can sometimes seem, it is crucial to maintain the attitude that "the customer is always right".

Not some of these customers though:

I found these on this section of MaryPortas.com where the public are encouraged to 'mystery shop' well known high street stores.  I don't like to be ignored in a shop, but some of these complaints are just ridiculous.  I hate Linda Stubbs for being so stupid and I think Sue just needs to come to terms with her size (nothing at Zara fits me because of my not-even-remotely-Spanish stature and I just avoid it).  

As much as I'm looking forward to watching this, I really hope it doesn't spark a new wave of customer who specifically try to test my patience and see how hard I'm willing to work!  

In other TV news:

• I really liked Big, Fat Gypsy Weddings last night, the dresses are amazing.  Although it does leave me wondering where they get their money from...
• River City this week was a total pantomime and it wasn't even the Christmas pantomime special.
• I'm relishing a bit of time off work to watch a lot of Three/Four In a Bed on 4oD - there is nothing more enjoyable that old people bitching at each other, tensions are constantly high and I love it.  "These are the two gays' plates" WHAT?!
• I totally hate the new Aviva advert because it's a wee bit morbid.  Nothing compared to this, which I was really into for ages.

I'm definitely going to do something sociable this week, I watch far too much TV.

Currently coveting:

I had a pair like these, in silver with peridots in the studs, but I lost one of them when I stayed over at the boys' flat and then they moved out.  And I know I'm far behind all the cool girl bloggers but I still really like the asos version of the Forever 21 cross ring.

Based on this small selection I can predict a transition back to gold from silver jewellery, and I get paid on Thursday.

Listening:  "Confrontation" -  Les Miserables Original London Cast and "Welcome to the World of the Plastic Beach (feat. Snoop Dogg and Hypnotic Brass Ensemble)" - Gorillaz.
Watching:  General trash tv: Tool Academy, Four in a Bed and season 4 of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  I'm also looking forward to seeing Black Swan this week.
Reading:  I really should pick up a book again some time soon...
Wearing:  Headscarves tied like a demi-turban (that end up looking more like Amy Winehouse back in the day) and Impassioned - a creamy, bright pink lipstick by M.A.C.
Wanting:  To start doing some exercise again, to lose some weight and get glittery calgel nails.
Eating:  Too much Caramelised Onion Houmous, ham sandwiches and Caterpillar Cake
Buying:  Gold Creole earrings from eBay - 1 & 2.
Dreaming of:  A South of France vacation where I get to look beautiful, drink good wine at inappropriate times of the day and enjoy some much needed UV rays with friends.

I've recently taken to wearing an 'engagement' ring, I don't really know why.  It could be so that when I go out people won't want to talk to me, or it could be because I am a shameless attention seeker.  I wear it to work every day and occasionally answer customers' queries about the upcoming nuptials or my fiancé(e), but mostly I just get embarrassed and admit that I bought the ring as part of a set of 4 for £1.50 from Primark.

I'm not engaged - not even close.  I'm not in a relationship and I'm scared of people who show any interest in me.  I'm shy and cautious and feel like I'll be forever hung up on my ex.  I'm not sure that my attitude towards relationships and romance is what many people would consider normal and I often worry that I'll never love someone again.  Isn't that pathetic?  Don't I just sound like a silly little girl?  I look at everyone around me with nice girlfriends and nice boyfriends; they don't fight every day, they don't manipulate each another and they don't play out their dramas online.  They enjoy one another's company and if things go wrong and they break up, it won't be too long before they find someone new - it makes me slightly envious.  

I feel like I'm being bombarded with adverts on TV for these dating websites: match.com, uniformdating.com, eHarmony.com etc.  And although I would never consider using this as a way to meet people -  the entire process just seems so awkward - today I signed up.  I was merely doing this to satiate my curiosity as to who they would pair me with and to see if the compatibility test really was as meaningful as they claim.  I spent about 40 minutes completing the questionnaire on my phone, answering questions relating to my personality and traits and was excited to see the results.  I really wasn't expecting to be turned down.

With this message the nice people at eHarmony tried to reassure me that this wasn't my fault, but exactly what I assumed was true, is:  I am too crazy to love. 

Last week I was ready to drop everything and become the next Nigella.  I had it all planned out; I would hone my skills over the coming months before quitting my job and creating cute confections from my home.  I'd sell to local businesses and then have my own quaint bakery in the West End before expanding to sweet neighbourhoods across the globe.  The peak of my career would come when I'd be offered my own television programme and range of cookware available in John Lewis, certainly not Debenhams.  I'd retire a multi-millionaire by the age of 30 and live the rest of my life as a fabulous recluse in a country manor.


Today I realised that I'll definitely have to come up with a Plan B.  I like the idea of baking, I like all the pretty decorations and I love the finished product but I find the process so tedious.  I start out with a charming concept, ready and raring to go - but 20 minutes in I get bored, myself and my kitchen are covered in flour, butter and eggs and my hand and arm begin to ache from all the mixing.  I'm also overly ambitious, attempting too many things at once and I never allocate a realistic time frame.  I'm left covered in edible glitter, swearing like Gordon Ramsey and in need of a strong drink.  Now who's going to buy into a concept like that?!  

I made sugar cookies and burned the stars.

And Cake Pops as seen on Bakerella

Is it possible to inhale calories?  Because I feel like I've gained about 10lbs just simply by being surrounded by all that sugar.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life so I've decided to take up blogging, again.  I have high hopes and expectations but not an attitude to go along with them; I don't make things happen and just wait around hoping that, by chance, I will become a muse to someone.  Do I really want to continue on this path of selling expensive shoes to wealthy people whilst I languish in the stockroom?  I don't really know what I want and I suppose that is half the problem.

I do, however, know that I want to be lovely and take nice pictures and have a hobby that I enjoy and I think blogging will be just that.  I would like to think that I am one of those effortlessly cool girls that likes the right kind of music, instinctively knows what to wear and wakes up each morning looking perfectly dishevelled, but I most definitely am not.  I wear too much fake tan (or sometimes not enough), I like mainstream rap and hip-hop and "get ready" in ten minutes max for work.  My flat is always, always a mess and my clothes are never ironed.  I love fashion, but I rarely buy clothes and I have a number of vices.

Oh gosh, I'm just so "quirky" and "individual" aren't I?  Such a loose cannon.  Sick.  Someone discover me quickly before I become any more self-centered.